Faith, Magic, and Ugly Booger Cries

Hola Familia,

Faith has been a hot topic with La Familia, especially as changes come into our lives. The more I listen, the more I see how beautiful faith can look and feel. AND I also acknowledge that faith can look and feel like fear, anxiety, and rage. It’s so hard to hold onto faith when shit’s hitting the fan. It’s so hard when religious traditions and old traumas get stirred up. And yet through that chaos… faith is the flame that’ll keeps everything moving.

For me, faith has been a journey. As a child I used to believe in magic, in some sort of God, in the impossible. When my dad died, all of that changed. I became angry at God. I was so angry—“How dare you take mi papi when all I ever prayed for was for you to intervene?” God never intervened when I needed him, so I walked away. That was 2007.

Now here we are in 2025, and my faith has become an integral part of my life. I live and breathe faith. My life radically changed when I started to deepen my spirituality with it. I do not have blind faith, nor do I teach this. Faith has become a way of life where I wholeheartedly believe in my Higher Power. I believe that I have zero control over people, places, and things. My Higher Power does—so I let go and let Gus do its magic.

Oh, it’s not easy!!! It’s fucking hard at times. I still have days where my faith looks like me crying and asking “why” over and over. And I have days where I am happy and blessed because I know I am divinely guided and protected. Regardless of the day, I feel what needs to be felt and keep moving forward.

Faith is not perfect. Faith is tested. Faith is stretched. Faith is a calling to come back home.

For me, faith has shown up most in the dark times, what I call the rock bottoms. Those points when everything feels so hard, so overwhelming, so confusing, so scary, that all you can do is get down on the floor and cry. Cry until it hurts. Cry until there are no more tears. I call these my “ugly booger cries” lol.

And those cries are faith, because that’s all that can be done in those moments. That’s where I’ve found my faith in my Higher Power. Because clearly the way I was living wasn’t working, so I needed help. My first rock bottom where I finally reached out to Higher Power for help was September 2022. There I was, down on my knees, crying my ugly booger cry, at the bottom. All I could do was cry and ask for help.

I prayed to the divine feminine presence I had dubbed Spirit. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for protection. I prayed, “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but you do. Please, please help me, guide me, protect me. Show me and I will do it.”

Did my problems magically go away after I prayed? Did I get instant miracles or manifestations? Nope and nope!! What happened was I felt heard. I felt held. I felt loved. And that was enough to stand up, literally dust myself off (and remind myself I really do need to sweep and mop more often), and keep going.

That’s faith. It doesn’t mean holding it perfectly. It means questioning, asking, and trusting your Higher Power enough to keep moving. That’s where the magic happens.

Faith is built on trust. “Taking a leap of faith” is like taking a scary leap off a cliff, trusting your Higher Power will catch you. And as someone who’s scared of heights, that analogy hits deep. Early in my healing journey, I kept asking: How can I trust a God who forgot about me? How can I trust a God with wrath? How can I trust a God who didn’t save my alcoholic dad or my abused mom? So for the longest time I didn’t leap. I stayed stagnant, frozen with anxiety and worst-case scenarios.

It wasn’t until I heard the phrase “a God of my understanding” in a 12-step room that something cracked open. Could I make my own God? Could I actually not get this wrong? My whole life I had questioned everything about God in church and religion. I disagreed with so much of what I was taught. So maybe this was my chance. My chance to believe in something greater than me.

I started with “Spirit.” No specific God or Goddess, not even a name. Just energy that felt feminine. That’s where I began. I talked to Spirit like I was building a new relationship. And just like any relationship, it took work and commitment.

What I didn’t expect was learning that in order to trust Spirit, I had to also trust myself. If there is a piece of Spirit in me, then that means I have to trust myself too. That’s where the healing began. Looking in the mirror and seeing the good, the bad, and the motherfucking ugly. That part was hard. That’s when faith tested me the most, because it wasn’t fast or pretty. But even still, I kept showing up.

Slowly, my faith transformed. From Spirit, to Gus, to today, where my faith looks like devotion to Mother Mary. Faith grows and transforms as we do. That’s how I know I can’t mess it up. No matter who I pray to—Spirit, Universe, God, La Virgencita, I always feel held. Even in the moments I feel completely alone.

Faith is like a muscle. I have to constantly work it. It’s not a one-time proclamation of “ok, I have faith” and done. It’s consistency. It’s devotion. It’s forever ongoing. It challenges me, tests me, and pushes me past my limits.

Just like bodybuilders and their beautifully sculpted bodies…it didn’t happen overnight. They worked, they trained, they probably cried (I know I cry on leg day when it hurts too much to sit on the toilet).

When my faith wobbles, I don’t even realize it right away. I catch myself trying to control everything again. Back to the cliff: planning who’s gonna catch me, how I can soften the fall, what if this isn’t the right path? I spiral. And then, you catch me again on my dirty floor, asking for help.

The more I humble myself to ask, the more I work that faith muscle. Questioning my Higher Power doesn’t mean failing. It doesn’t mean I don’t have faith. It means I’m human. It means life is hard and scary. It means I’m doing the best I can with the tools I have.

That’s why I always go back to my tools, or remind myself of them. My prayers, my rituals, my programs. Even my own Unlocking Your Inner Comadre (UYIC), because that’s where I stay accountable and rooted.

Faith doesn’t mean a perfect life with no worries. Faith means that through my imperfect life, I will keep expanding and contracting. I’ll have good days and bad days. Faith means I cannot micromanage every aspect of my life, so I trust that my Higher Power is managing just fine without me always trying to take control.

As I end this letter Familia, I invite you to reflect on this question, and please drop me an email or message because I love to hear from you:

Where in your life are you being invited to build faith, even if it feels scary or uncertain?

Familia, faith isn’t about being perfect. It’s about asking for help when you’re a mess. And having gratitude with faith leads toward healing and transformation.

Thank you for being a part of La Familia. I am sending you so much Fire & Butterflies! And don’t forget to Love Your Now!

Loving My Now,

Cristal Baez-Arellano

Spiritual Mentor/Bruja Coach

PS: If your heart is whispering, “I want to feel this kind of faith in my bones,” then UYIC is for you. It’s my one-on-one mentorship program where I walk beside you as your mentor...guiding you towards self healing, build your relationship with your Higher Power, and strengthen your magic. Over the years, as I’ve mentored Comadres, Compadres, and Comxadres, I’ve witnessed the same truth again and again: faith has to be personal.

It’s not about believing what your family told you to believe. It’s not about repeating rituals you don’t connect with. It’s about you…your heart, your wounds, your healing, your connection.

The biggest challenge? Our traumas, our cycles, our Egos. They show up. They test us. And that’s why making faith personal requires knowing ourselves. Healing ourselves. Owning our shadows.

That’s exactly why I created Unlocking Your Inner Comadre, my one-on-one mentorship program. Because faith is not just belief, it’s the relationship you build with yourself and your higher power. And once you strengthen that relationship, your magic becomes unstoppable.

Faith is not perfection. Faith is practice. Faith is personal. Faith is magic.

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