For me becoming a mother has been a transformative journey filled with love, joy, and countless challenges. My uniquely complex journey started January 2022, when my husband and I were placed with two foster youths in our home. Eight months later we filed for divorce, and it was just me and the kiddos. As a new mom to two beautiful souls, each with their own set of traumas, I’ve found myself navigating the complexities of parenting while also healing my own wounds from my childhood and the grief of the dissolution of the marriage. Through this experience, I’ve learned invaluable lessons in patience, self-care, setting boundaries, and asking for help. One of the most profound lessons, however, has been understanding the impact of my mommy guilt and how I am learning to overcome it.
My Journey with Mommy Guilt
From the moment I became a foster mom, the pressure to be perfect was immense. Society's expectations, Social Worker's endless visits, all coupled with my own high standards, led to a constant battle with mommy guilt. I questioned every decision and worried endlessly about whether I was doing enough for my children. The guilt of not being a "perfect mom" often overshadowed the joy of motherhood and, at times, felt paralyzing.
As I worked on healing my own traumas, I realized that this guilt was not only unfair to myself but also detrimental to my children. They needed a happy, healthy, and present mother, not a perfect one. Embracing this truth has been a liberating journey, and I want to share the lessons I've learned along the way.
Lessons Learned (and not yet mastered 🤣)
1. Patience
Patience with myself and my children has been a cornerstone of my healing journey. Understanding that healing takes time and that mistakes are part of the process has allowed me to approach motherhood with more compassion. When my children struggle, I remind myself to be patient and view each challenge as an opportunity for growth for both them and myself.
2. Self-Care
Prioritizing self-care has been essential. I learned that taking time for myself is not selfish but necessary. Whether it’s a few moments of meditation, a walk in nature, or a quiet cup of tea, these small acts of self-care replenish my energy and help me show up as a better mom.
3. Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries has been another critical lesson, especially as a people pleaser. Learning to say no, even to my children, and creating a balance between their needs and my own has been empowering. Boundaries with my business, myself, friends and family all help protect my mental and emotional well-being, allowing me to be more present and loving when I am with my children.
4. Asking for Help
One of the hardest yet most important lessons has been learning to ask for help. Whether it’s leaning on family, friends, or professional support, seeking help has been vital in managing my mommy guilt and stress. It’s a reminder that I don’t have to do it all alone and that there is strength in community.
The Harm of Striving for Perfection
The guilt of not being a "perfect mom" has been more harmful than I would like to admit. It has created unrealistic expectations and added unnecessary pressures. By striving for perfection, I was setting myself up for failure and disappointment. Instead, embracing imperfection has allowed me to be more authentic and present with my children.
Practical Tips to Overcoming Your Parenting Guilt
Here are some practical tips that have helped me overcome my mommy guilt:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize and validate your feelings of guilt. Understand that it’s a common experience among parents and that it’s okay to feel this way. I also encourage you to acknowledge and talk about your feelings with your children. It gives them the tools to start processes their own feelings.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Remember that you are doing your best with the resources and tools you have. So give yourself grace.
Focus on the Positive: Celebrate your successes and the love you give to your children. Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself of the positive moments. Praise yourself for the good days, and love yourself tighter on the hard days.
Set Realistic Expectations: Accept that perfection is unattainable. Set achievable goals and be flexible with your plans. As scary as it can be go with the flow and follow your children's lead with the plans you made.
Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Join support groups, talk to other parents, or seek professional guidance if needed. Sometimes the best support comes from your Higher Power, so Let Go and Let God.
Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that nourish your body, brain, heart, and soul. Self-care is essential for your well-being and your ability to care for your children. You cannot pour out of an empty cup.
Communicate with Your Children: Talk to your kids about your feelings and theirs. Building an open and honest relationship can help alleviate guilt and strengthen your bond. Believe me your children are watching you, they know more than you believe they do.
Progress not Perfection
Parenting guilt is a common struggle, but it doesn’t have to define our parenthood journey. By embracing imperfection and prioritizing our well-being, we can overcome guilt and create a nurturing environment for our children. Remember, being a great mom, dad, or parent is not about being perfect; it’s about showing up with love, patience, and authenticity. Your healing journey is a testament to your strength and resilience, and your children will thrive because of it.
Fourth of July 2024 enjoying the show.
To further support your journey, I invite you to participate in my transformative 10-Week Unlocking Your Inner Comadre Program. This program provides all the tools you need to not only overcome parenting guilt but also to live an authentic, empowered life. Join and gain the insights, support, and practical tools necessary to embrace your true self and create a fulfilling life for you and your family.
Know that you can absolutely have the life you truly deserve without guilt, shame, or fear. I am here to support you. I am sending you so much Fire & Butterflies. And Don't Forget, Love Your Now!
Loving My Now,
Comadre Cristal
Spiritual Life Coach
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